architects associates - expensive buildings cost more

Welcome to Architects Associates. If you are looking for the premiere Architectural design firm along the coastal area, you need look no further. If you aren't, you should be. Real estate is "it" - everyone knows that. You are already a better person, just because you have been to our website. All of our designs scream “Highbrow Art-Snob”. Think of us as the Prada* of Architects. You pay more, because we are really expensive. When our sign is in fornt of your building, Everyone will know you ave money to blow. Our character theme is to design massive spaces that serves no purpose what-so-ever. We also design our buildings with lots of glass and exotic materials because it makes them practically impossible to engineer. We look for what is the most expensive way to build it, and then proceed to design a space that can only be built that way. We scan Architectural Digest for new inventive looks, and then work to develop and build nearly identical buildings in record time so that we can claim that they "stole" our design. *Prada is a trademarked company that has no affiliation with Architects Associates, whatsoever. Henry Tucker III - Crusty Old Curmudgeon: Refuses to learn AutoCAD because he insists that computers are simply a “passing fad.” He swears he'll be the only architect still working after the apocalypse. Henry Tucker IV - Spoiled Child Architect: When he finally graduated from college (9.5 years) he was hired on as second-in-command. He has no artistic eye, couldn’t care less about architecture, and still makes more money than everyone else. Cham Vincent - Post-Neo-Modern-Semi-Retro-Minimalist: Wears nothing but flat-front khakis, was the first to buy an iPod, and has his cubical decorated with balsa-wood shrines that break if you breathe on them. Yes, he drives a Land Rover. Brad Jennings - Professional Architect: Always smells good and likes to roll up the sleeves of his crispy white shirts. Never seems to actually do any work, but always finds a way to turn every conversation into a discussion about an awesome project he worked on when he was with “such-and-such” firm a couple years ago. Carpet samples, anyone? Kip Smith - Landscape Architect: Graduated from Vanderbilt with a degree in landscape architecture. Was very disappointed when he found out he had $152,000.00 in school debt and that nobody pays landscape architects more than $12.25 an hour. Dennis Paul - Tormented Soul: Always looks half-drunk because he stays up until 4:00 am listening to the Doors and building scale models of post-modern structures out of Chinese food take-out boxes and old hangers. He sees a red door and he wants to paint it black, flat black. Frank Pazinski - In House Engineer: Stubborn, know-it-all who thinks bomb shelters are aesthetically pleasing. If you call him by name he responds by saying, “No, you can't do that.” If you ask him if a 20' x 20' room is big enough to keep a 3 ton AC unit he says “No, you can't do that.” Kristi McDermant - Interior Decorator: Young, urban, chic 20-something who eats, sleeps, and breathes Design and Architectural culture. Too bad she has no talent. We only hired her because sometimes she wears tight blouses. Here at Architects Associates, we like to think of ourselves as a “global” firm. You see, we outsource all of our drafting needs to a company in Mumbai, India. They charge us 3.5 cents per interior elevation, 7 cents per dimension plan, and will produce a complete set of construction documents for anywhere from $12.00-$17.00, depending on the size of the project. We realize that there are many skilled and qualified draftsmen here in our area but outsourcing to the global market allows us to keep company costs down. You see, even though we only pay Aghmed Saranjit 14 cents an hour, we'll still charge you $500,000.00. This ensures that we'll always be able to afford houses that are 4 times as big as we need, exotic cars that we don't even drive because their suspensions are too stiff, vacation homes in cities we can't pronounce like Crested Butte, and recreational vehicles that we'll rarely use except to watch movies in because it came with a cool 42” plasma TV. We'll design internationally too, just please don't ask us to actually go to the site. We maintain that site reviews and contruction administration is well overated. The contractors are aware that our plans are more "suggestions" of how the building should look than blueprints of how to build it. Short of the site actually being on our way home from work, we consider the effort to go an "extravagant" expense that should be value engineered out. Unless there is a golf course there. That's completely different. Step 1 - The Meeting First we meet with you to see if you have a lot of money. Most architects pester their clients with questions like: “What are you trying to achieve with your property?” or, “What are your specific needs?” We don't bother with those kinds of questions. We get straight to the point and ask what your budget is. If you say, “70 million dollars,” we will promptly design a building that costs 190 million to build. Step 2 - The Process Once the project comes back from bid way over budget we'll charge you more money to redesign it. We'll value-engineer it back to about 90 million but we'll drag our feet doing this because by this time we're tired of looking at your project and have taken on 14 new and more interesting projects. Step 3 - The Results When the project comes back from bid a second time and is still over-budget, we'll design a rectangular brick building for your property. It will meet your budget but by now the project is so behind schedule that all of your investors will have backed out. This is fine with us because we won't have to deal with you or your project anymore and you still owe us 450 g's. When people ask us why your project failed we'll simply tell them that you just had unrealistic expectations. The list of Award winning buildings are numerous and prestigious. Far too numerous and prestigious to actually list, in fact. You just have to take our word for it. There are many, and you'd recognize all of them. All of our clients are very rich and have expensive taste. That's why we charge so much for our designs. Our clients are our top priority. Right behind keeping up our image and expensive reputation. And also our golf game, of course. In fact, if you try to call us, we'll ask you first who you are, because unless you have paid us a lot of money very recently, we won't talk with you. Don't bother trying fool us; we use caller id. Actually, you should be honored if we answer the phone at all. If you wish to use our exclusive service, you should get in line now and send us an email to hireme@architectsassociates.net. We'll probably reach you in a few years. If you've enjoyed our rhetoric and have more satirical comments to contribute, please email me them to AUTHOR@architectsassociates.net